The Return (closed)

[Valanthe]

After Valanthe had sent the wave of fire skiming along the floor, she unstrung her bow. Wiping her brow in the process, she strung and fit an arrow to her bow, and took aim as Destrudo tried to attack Xos. When he turned toward her to attack her, she knew now was her chance, making final aim towards his heart, she let the arrow fly, hoping and praying it made it's mark. She was determined to kill, or be kill. After all, even Nature decreed survival of the fittest, and she wasn't going to be one of the unfit, something to be slaughtered to make way for something else.

[Destrudo]

as Destrudo charged towards Valanthe, he realised too late she was firing at him.

THUD! The arrow hit him in the chest, it missed his heard, but punctured his lung. He fell over backwards, and quickly began coughing up blood as it poured into lung. He pulled it out, and tried to get up to enact some revenge, but it was as though his strength had left him. He was getting tired, and felt weak. A short rest would do him good, maybe he'd feel better when he woke up, then he'd get his revenge, she'd see.

With a few more coughs, his eyes closed and he died, blood pooling around him. He went into convulsions, and lasted several minutes, then it was over, Destrudo had been beaten.

[Xos]

Xos had been struggling with the concept of killing someone, when to his horror Valanthe fired an arrow at Destrudo. With a sickening thud it landed in his chest.

"NOOOO!!!!" Xos cried out.

Destrudo tried to get up, but failed and died. The convulsions seemed to last a long time, such a terrible long time, like they would never quit.

"Why?" Xos asked afterwards, tears streaming down his eyes. He hadn't wanted to kill anyone, maybe rough someone up, knock 'em and gloat inwardly as he watched the monks drag them away, but certainly not kill them.

"Why did you kill him, we're not animals, we don't have to kill to solve our problems. We're evolved creatures, surely we're better than that." Xos said angrily, clenching his fist, and stepping over the approaching fire.

It had reached the walls, and began to climb up them.

[Valanthe]

Valanthe smiled with satisfaction as Destrudo died. It hadn't hit her intended mark, his heart, but it still killed him. He didn't seem to convulse nearly long enough for her satisfaction.
"Who's the worthless trash now asshole?" she shouted at Destrudo's dead body. Then she looked at Starfire.

"Why?" asked Xos, who sounded choked up over seeing someone die.

"Why did you kill him, we're not animals, we don't have to kill to solve our problems. We're evolved creatures, surely we're better than that." Xos said with a note of anger in his voice. Ahh, so he had never watched someone die before, no wonder he was so unprepared.

"Why did you come then, if not to be taken to your limit? Grow up, this isn't some fantasy where everyone gets along and makes friends in the end, this is real life, and if you aren't tougher than the next person you meet, you're going to die. This world has no room for cowards like you, and if you don't like how it is here, then go home to whatever cave you crawled out of and stay there until your dead corpse bloats from infestation by worthier things than you." she said angrily, spitting out words she didn't really mean. She used the last of her strength to cause her touch to become deadly poisonus. Her hand glittered slightly from the poison. She moved closer to Xos to get right up in his face.

"We might be 'evolved' whatever that means, but that does not excuse us from Natural Law, if your not fit enough to survive, if you can't be the toughest, meanest, quickest thinking thing around, then you deserve to die right next to him, and I pray the brothers never revive you even though I know they will. Someday little man, you will meet someone who will not care who you are, or what you think, someone who will be your enemy and if you can't bring yourself to kill them, trhen you deserve your fate." Valanthe said, while slapping Xos just as hard as she possibly could accross the cheek, or at least trying to. She was more than upset and so angry she couldn't see straight, she she might have missed.

[Xos]

"Why did you come then, if not to be taken to your limit? Grow up, this isn't some fantasy where everyone gets along and makes friends in the end, this is real life, and if you aren't tougher than the next person you meet, you're going to die. This world has no room for cowards like you, and if you don't like how it is here, then go home to whatever cave you crawled out of and stay there until your dead corpse bloats from infestation by worthier things than you." Valanthe said angriyl coming towards him.
Her words shocked him, he hadn't expected her to talk to him like that.
He thought her hand glittered, but with tears in his eyes he couldn't rightly tell, alot of things appeared to be glittering that weren't.

We might be 'evolved' whatever that means, but that does not excuse us from Natural Law, if your not fit enough to survive, if you can't be the toughest, meanest, quickest thinking thing around, then you deserve to die right next to him, and I pray the brothers never revive you even though I know they will. Someday little man, you will meet someone who will not care who you are, or what you think, someone who will be your enemy and if you can't bring yourself to kill them, trhen you deserve your fate." Valanthe said with what xos thought was a hiss. His cheek stung from where she slapped him.

"Compassion is not a sign of weakness, and if you can't show it, your just as bad as he is." Xos said. If she wanted survival of the fittest, he'd give it to her. His arms felt heavy, as he pointed towards he neck. His vision began to blur. Concentrating, he used Arcane Blast, and smiled as the little explosions popped. He fell over, weakened by the poison, he thought he saw someone enetering the room, but he could've been mistaken. He blacked out, and died.

[Valanthe]

Valanthe smiled as she felt her hand connect, it was all over for him now.

"Compassion is not a sign of weakness, and if you can't show it, your just as bad as he is." Xos said.
These words irritated her all the more, then he pointed at her. She was about to move, when suddenly her neck popped, about five times. Pain and alarm shot through her body. She had used up all her powers, she couldn't do anything. It became harder to breath. She began to cough and hack up blood, and fell over feeling faint. She fell over, and as Xos died, she blacked out, and then died as well.

Moonbeam looked at Valanthe and howled. Her ribs were broken, and she was in a world of pain. It hurt to even breath. She whimpered as she lay there.

A man thing entered the room. He looked at her so kind and tenderly. He seemed to know how to communicate with her.

"Poor thing, are you the only one left? It's okay, we'll make everything better, Sleep." the man thing said. The suggustion of sleep seemed like such a good one that Moonbeam did so immediatly.

When she awoke, She found herself in another place. Valanthe was standing next to her, looking down and smiling.

"Are you okay sister?" Valanthe asked.
Mioonbeam felt wonderful, infact she felt like a pup again. She got up, wagging her tail.
Valanthe smiled.
"I hope you don't forget your experiences here. Valanthe, you wish to become more powerful, better than you are, this we know. If you truely wish to accomplish your goal, then you must seek out The Hidden Temple deep within Scara Brae. Dedicated to The Glorious Light, it is not what is within that you seek, rather it is what is without, though indeed you will have another task within as well. It is your task to guide the two you have fought today to that temple. I warn you, it is well hidden. most of Althanas could pass by it a dozen times or more and never know it was there, such is the skill with which it is hidden, but you will find it. You must learn to get along with the other two you fought, if you cannot, you are doomed to frailty and obscurity forever." The monk said.

Valanthe nodded, not liking the task, but willing to try. She nodded to moonbeam, and the two left.

"You may go, but you must wait on the docks of Scara Brae three days, and if by that time you have not met up with Xos and Destrudo, then you are to go alone." The monk said.

Valanthe bowed, and then hurridly left, eager to be away from that place, and away from the city. She had killed someone, and despite Xos's words, wished she didn't have to. It would take her some time before she ever truely got over the fight.

[Xos]

Xos was the second to awaken.

"Your back." Said the monk in the room simply.
He handed Xos his staff.
"I believe you own this. Let me give you some advise. Death, is not always a bad thing. No, you shouldn't desire to become a killer, but you shouldn't be afraid to kill someone either. True, Survival of the fittest is the law of nature, but is war the law of nature? The civilized creatures you claim us all to be, we form armies, and we march off into other peoples lands, and we kill them. Can you think of any beast that does that, when neccessity does not force it to? You are a kind and gentle person, and I do not fault you for that, but if you want to get home, then you must adapt to the way things are here. I know, your not very powerful, but with time, practice, and study, you will be.
I have a suggustion, and I hope you take it. Deep in scara Brae lies a hidden temple, devoted to The Glorious Light. What is this light, you'll have to find out. Meditate in this Temple, you will learn many things, that's all I have to say, lest I reveal too much. You must go with the two you have battled today. One to get you there, one to help protect you." The monk said.

"Thank you, I will take your advise. I apologise for losing it when she killed that man, whoever he was." Xos said.
"Do not apologise for being you. One more thing, wait at the docks of Scara Brae for three days, to meet who you will, if you meet no one, then go on alone, you will find the way." The monk said.

Xos bowed, and left, feeling a little better overall about the whole experience.

[Destrudo]

Destrudo was the last one to awaken. Upset at his complete failure to kill anyone, he scowled at the tall monk who stood in the room.

"You again, what do you want?" Destrudo growled.
"To make sure your okay, not that you really deserve such kindness for your attitude. I could make a long eloquent speech about how you need to start treating everyone better, and about how there are others like you out there, who are far stronger than you. I could tell you how if you keep on, you'll cross the wrong person and die before your time. I could tell you, but you wouldn't listen." The monk said.
"Wise man." Destrudo said sourly, moving towards the door.

The monk grabbed his arm, Destrudo stopped and glared at the monk.

"Deep in Scara Brae, cleverly hidden, lies a Temple, fiercly guarded. If you make it to this temple, you will become more powerful than you are now, if you can learn your lesson properly. but to get there, you must go with the other two who fought and defeated you today. Wait for them at the Scara Braen docks for no more than three days, and if you cannot find them, then despair, for one like you can never find the temple." the monk said, letting go.

"How can I trust you, I don't even know your name?" Destrudo asked.
"You don't deserve to know it, yet." the monk replied.
"Tch" destrudo snorted and moved toward the door.

"Onox." The Tall monk said as Destrudo opened the door.
"What?" Destrudo asked.
"My name, is Onox, Brother Onox, you may call me." The tall monk said.
Destrudo smiled, and left The Citadel.

Brother Onox smiled.
"Humility will be a hard lesson indeed for him to learn, hope it doesn't kill him." Brother Onox said, as he went about his other duties.

OOC: This is ended, any questions, feel free to ask, I'll answer, under whatever name I'm disguised as at the moment. No Spoils request.

[Call me J]

Battle Judging
<The Return>
Winner: Xos

<Destrudo>

STORY

Continuity ~ 3/10. <I knew where Destrudo was going after this was over, but very little about how he ended up in the Citadel in the first place. Keep in mind every thread is but a chapter in a larger story, and that these stories have to connect.>
Setting ~ 2/10. <The use of an anachronistic setting here was a bit upsetting to me, especially since with the exception of Xos, none of you acknowledged it as anachronistic.>
Pacing ~ 3/10. <Destrudo’s death was very anticlimactic. A death scene should be something you build towards. I’m giving you one bonus point because Destrudo’s death served to bring about the climax for the story, even though it could have been done better.>

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. <The spoken dialogue was really generic here from all three of you, and it didn’t have much, if any of a natural feel to it.>
Action ~ 2/10. <There really wasn’t much, if any thought about strategy in this battle. There is more to a story than just the attack that a player chooses. Think about why, the context, how the character’s emotions effect his strategy. That’ll help you do much better.>
Persona ~ 3/10. <You definitely have an idea of who Destrudo is, now you need to show it.>

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 3/10. <There was really limited effort to use literary devices. Literary devices are what truly make a narrative, as they allow readers to connect with the story better.>
Mechanics ~ 5/10. <There were spelling mistakes and formatting errors. Be more careful next time.>
Clarity ~ 6/10. <Generally, I didn’t have much trouble understanding where you were going, which is a good thing. Your writing could occasionally use a bit more of an emphasis on the important things though.>

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 5/10. <Welcome back to the forum, I hope your stay this time is much more pleasant>

TOTAL ~ 35/100. <You probably have some rust to work out, and you could use a bit of improvement. Soon, I expect your scores to jump.>

<Valanthe>

STORY

Continuity ~ 3/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Setting ~ 2/10. <You more or less ignored the setting here.>
Pacing ~ 2/10. <Clarity issues really hurt you here, though you at least built to a climax after Destrudo’s death.>

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Action ~ 2/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Persona ~ 4/10. <You had your character doing quite a few things, but I never really understood why. There is definitely a personality here, but outside of the tenderness for Moonbeam, it doesn’t really show.>

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 3/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Mechanics ~ 2/10. <Punctuation is a big issue for you. Remember all proper nouns and words that begin sentences start with a capital letter. All other words do not.>
Clarity ~ 3/10. <You have no reason to repeat what other people have already said, especially repeating dialogue. Readers have also read the previous posts, they don’t need to be recapped. Doing that makes the story take longer and not in a positive way. The end was also very unclear.>

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 5/10. <You guys were successful in putting together a decent narrative.>

TOTAL ~ 29/100. <There is definitely room for improvement, but you have definitely showed that you have the creativity to get higher scores than the one you received here, and if you take these comments to heart, you should receive them.>

<Xos>

STORY

Continuity ~ 5/10. <You were definitely the strongest in the thread. I felt like you did a good job of bringing your character’s past.>
Setting ~ 5/10. <I really liked how you thought the cardboard was strange and interacted with the other characters.>
Pacing ~ 3/10. <This picked up a bit near the end. I especially like how you turned Xos into the one true hero of the story.>

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Action ~ 2/10. <See Destrudo’s comment>
Persona ~ 3/10. <Despite the strong continuity, you didn’t really turn it into persona. In the future, when telling me about your character’s history, >

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 3/10. <See Destrudo’s comment.>
Mechanics ~ 6/10. <I noticed a few poor uses of commas and some rather strange word choices at times, but you have a decent command on what you’re doing here. Rereading your posts might just get you one or two more points.>
Clarity ~ 3/10. <Don’t repeat what other people have already said, the readers can remember it.>

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 5/10. <I really liked what you did at the end. It gave the battle some story.>

TOTAL ~ 38/100. <Congratulations on your victory! Like the others, you have considerable room for improvement. However, it is within your grasp. Still, take pride in winning this 3 way dance.>

EXP Rewards

Destrudo receives 150 EXP
Valanthe receives 150 EXP
Xos recieves 450 EXP

GP Rewards

Destrudo receives 179 GP
Valanthe receives 179 GP
Xos receives 715 GP

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!

Apologies for the wait.