Workshop: Conference of Criminals

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Conference of Criminals (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?27982-Conference-of-Criminals)
Name of Authors: Alydia Ettermire, Marduk the Black, Requiem of Insanity, Aurelianus Drak'shal
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 12 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 01/04/2014 (1st April)

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[Flames of Hyperion]

Apologies in advance if I hit harder than I meant to. This was an enjoyable thread to read, and I hope that comes across!

Story: Twelve posts. Four characters; an introduction, a body, and an outro each. What could be simpler, right? Not so fast.

I'll be honest, I did fear for the successful completion of your tale within these constraints. But, bearing in mind the caveat that this tale was only one major scene in length, there was enough meat on the bone to assuage my fears and satisfy my appetite. You all put a lot of effort in fleshing out your individual narratives within the simplicity of the framework described above, and you have my congratulations for weaving them together into a compelling read. Kudos ^^.

Aly had probably the most difficult task, because she had to define and drive the thread at the same time as establishing her character and her motives. Her first post maintained the pacing of the thread by only giving the bare bones of the setting, but Marduk populated it well and Aerith gave it ambience. Aure went a step further and defined the entire city, tying the thread neatly into Althanas as a whole. Each introduction served its purpose well, and you show therein that you work together well, not only in responding to character prompts but also in drawing from a shared pool of lore, thus driving the thread forth at a good pace.

The fun part came when each of you proposed your plans and took pot-shots at one another. Suffice it to say these four posts were a great read. Could Aly have clarified why the black powder was so sought after, and what possible nefarious uses were planned for it? Could Marduk have embellished upon his motives in this endeavour, even if it was simply an internal monologue on bloodlust? I'm nitpicking. Once again Aure did a magnificent job of tying everything together (and keeping things simple in the process), and by this stage it's clear who's really taking charge. The final four posts didn't disappoint either, with Aly's take-down of Marduk and snarking at Aure, a conversation between the Remis, and Aure generally being a bad-arse by analysis.

Bonus points for twice weaving the title of your thread into your narrative. Did it need to be capitalised, though, for the emphasis? And could you have done so (explicitly) a third time at the end?


Background: As touched upon earlier, you all did well in initially establishing the background to the thread, in terms of what was around you, where you were on Althanas, and also in tying the thread to the greater world. Aly's use of Alerian terminology and phrasing really helped, as did Aure and his encounter with the four thugs (a great example of how to establish a setting by populating it!) and Aerith name-dropping of various other events and characters.

My gripe here is that Marduk and Aerith both lost track of said setting after the initial introductions. Aly and Aure at least tried to infuse their writing with little pieces of information: 'the already blood-soaked floor', 'the hubbub of the crowded bar behind him', 'the scarred table-top'. In the case of Marduk and Aerith, this lack of effort was made all the more glaring because this was meant to be a clandestine meeting - wouldn't their thoughts turn even slightly to their surroundings, and to the possibility of them being rumbled by the Ixians? Don't abandon your lovingly-created scenery as soon as you've finished describing it: keep interacting with it!

My other gripe is that neither of the secondary scenes - Bron's living room, and Aerith's bedchamber - received much attention. As a thread primarily dedicated to intrigue and dialogue rather than action and adventure this perhaps was understandable... but a couple of sentences here and there would have really helped without sacrificing pacing.


Characters: The greatest strength of this thread was the characters. Not just the individuals themselves, but the insights we gain into them via how they analyse the others. Aly's and Aerith's introductory posts, everybody's second posts, and Aure's final post were all very good at this, and the subtle differences between them were intriguing. A sequence of events that particularly stood out was how Marduk provoked Aly, how Aly reacted, and then how Aure interpreted that reaction. Three sides to the same chain of events, and all very well thought out, reasoned, and written.

In this sense, I felt that Marduk held the thread together. His personality was the simplest and most straightforward, but that served as a great boon to the reader: alone amongst the menagerie of chess-masters, Marduk made no attempt to pretend that he had ulterior motives to his participation. At the same time he was the one with the most mysterious (or at least, least noteworthy) background, and thus he established himself as the true wildcard in the endeavour. Not so fun to actually work with, perhaps, but I sense that he's going to be very interesting to read about during the heist proper.

Your tertiary characters were vibrant, adding colour and flair to the setting. Gul'dukat started off as a bit of a caricature, but Aly revisited him and strengthened him. Bardin, Glim, and co. served their purpose well - Aure really is a magnificent bastard, and you wasted no time in establishing that. I would have liked if you could have revisited the barkeep at the end, but again that's just nitpicking.

For that very reason, unfortunately, your secondary characters fall slightly flat. In this case I'm talking about Bron and Samantha, who are obviously recurring named characters. In Bron's case, you go to great lengths (over multiple characters, well done!) to establish that he's a respected, feared figure in the Alerian underworld. But his introductory sequence with Aly merely shows him as a yes-man. He glowers, he sighs, he puts up a half-hearted verbal resistance... and that's it? I can understand that Aly's people are devoted to her, but I'm starting to think that she gets away with a bit too much. In Samantha's case, I think I can see what you're trying to do with the Cult brainwashing a particularly valuable hostage to its cause. But there's no hint of the person she was before this all began, which means that her current submissive state fails to shock me as much as it should. The strength of such a case would be in the contrast, not necessarily in the end result, and unfortunately you couldn't find a way to express that here.


Technique: In one word, unpolished. I won't go through the thread line by line, or quote every last example, because it's obvious that nobody intended perfection. That said, there were a few things that stood out in particular.

Aly: your writing felt more raw than usual, especially your first post. Clunky run-on sentences had me doubling back to make sure that I'd read things properly, a good example being the second sentence of your first paragraph causing me to stumble right off the bat. Besides that your mechanics were as impeccable as ever, but nothing really caught my eye in terms of technique - I get the feeling that you kept things simple and let the intricacies of the interactions do the talking instead, but I spotted one or two chances for Alerar-inspired similes that went begging.

Marduk: clarity suffered, badly. Your very first paragraph used 'man' or 'men' five times, with no clear indication of who the subject was. In general you didn't use as much technique as the other writers in this thread; try introducing a few more stylistic elements to your writing, and break up your Marduk-focused paragraphs with observations and interactions with the setting. Keep working at it!

RoI: again, clarity suffered. For example, your introduction of Aerith and Samantha, how they were related to each other, and what Aerith wanted to accomplish with her made little sense until I'd read it over for the fourth time. I think that the major problem was that you kept using 'she' when it wasn't clear which of the two (later, three) you were referring to. In many cases I found it difficult to decipher what you wanted to say in each of your paragraphs, and technical and grammatical errors only worsened the problem. Your last post in particular was... messy.

Aure: I really don't have much to criticise. I love the way you not only tied up all the threads that the others left dangling, but also mixed in internal observations (and little quirks, like talking to himself) that clarified Aure's thought processes and his position in the conference without giving the game away entirely. I enjoyed reading your posts, and the only suggestion I have is to take care of the one or two occasions you played with your pronouns: it can be quite confusing when you switch between 'Aurelius' and 'Drak'shal' in the middle of a post.

Again, being honest here. Were I not writing up commentary for this workshop, the aforementioned clarity issues - most of which could have been very easily fixed with a bit of simple proofreading - would have led me to skim Marduk's and RoI's posts, and to only devote my full attention to Aly and Aure. I don't like doing this. Please don't make me have to do this.


* In closing: I'm looking forward to seeing every last one of your magnificent plans derail upon contact with the enemy, one by one. Except for the final, true plan that allows Aly to walk away with her prize, Aure to act the aggrieved victim, Marduk to indulge in his violent tendencies, and the Remis to send a message to those do-gooding Ixians. But will they succeed?

[Doge]

I liked this thread. It was hard to really come up with some good comments with three posts for each participant. Well, I’ll jump in though.

Alydia Ettermire:
I thought your dialogue was a bit contrived at the start. It was like the same person was arguing with herself, and there wasn’t much difference in word use or tone to separate the two characters. The flow was also slightly off.


“It does. I went and checked it out myself a little less than a tenday ago. It is a Tear. I couldn’t get it then, so I need the distraction. No one knows what to do with a Tear. The Book of Secret Histories provides some hints, and legend says it’s either a powerful purative device or a powerful weapon. If it’s a powerful weapon, I sure as hell don’t want Alerar having it so close to Raiaera’s borders. If it can purify the land, it’s better in the hands of the Old Elves. Or in my hands, if I can figure out how to work it. Who. Are. My. Cohorts?”

This section sounds weird. She repeats tear twice, when in a normal conversation you’d say ‘it’ the second time. Powerful, powerful and powerful. If Alydia is getting frustrated, then she’d be using words like ‘Look, if it’s a powerful weapon then I sure as hell don’t want Alerar having it.’ Or ‘Dammit! Who are my cohorts?!” The dialogue was a bit dry when her emotion seemed to warrant something else.

I also thought you needed to find another way to set up the thread. Having two people talking to get the backstory is good, but it didn’t seem in line with the emotions the pair should have been feeling. Maybe hit rather than tell.

Last comment, it seemed Alydia was nearly all powerful. It is important to separate your narrative direction from your character’s. Both seemed too closely aligned. Alydia obviously likes to show off and be in control, it would have been nice seeing conflict within her when Aurelianus laid out his plan and brushed hers aside. Also, a tinge of fear at Aur would have added a nice layer of depth, especially when juxtaposed to lack of fear of Marduk who on the face of it seems more intimidating.

Marduk the Black:
Good. Carry on.

Ok, I guess I should write a bit more. You did a good job setting up your character. Maybe a bit more setting in your posts would have been nice, or direct reference to emotions rather than words. I stress the word maybe here, because the character is one maybe two dimensional, then it might over complicate him to try and portray more. He comes across as a good brute character, a dark streak and general asshole who things with mis muscles.

I’m not sure if I liked it when Alydia took away his strength. It seemed out of character, considering everyone else at the table was holding back. In the end it had this odd way of showing Marduk as having less of a need to show off his power than Alydia.

I think I’d have more to say on a longer thread, as it was, it was good.

Requiem of Insanity:
You need to work on how you describe the wheelchair. It is an amazing piece of the scene, but so novel that it needs more focus on it. Especially in making it clear who is chained to what. There were some missed opportunities with the frail child rolling up to a table with three showboating villians. More comparison would have been nice as well. Aerith would have been sitting (perhaps literally) in Marduk’s shadow. To some extent this might be the fault of the other RPers. It can’t really be expected of you to make them aware that they are in a dingy cesspit with a girl in a wheelchair talking about a train robbery… but maybe you can get some of the way there. Something like Aerith looking up at Marduk while he scratches the table and showing no fear. The interaction at the end with Cass was better at showing her mental toughness than the rest of the thread.

Not sure about the kiss. Maybe having Aerith bite her own lip and resist would have been more telling.

Aurelianus Drak'shal:
Tiefling dies of lung cancer, the surprise story you didn’t see coming.

The start was alright, although being in forth place in the posting order seemed to drag the story down pace wise when you had your own little meet and greet. That said, it did paint Aur with more character than the others were able to get in three posts.

Aurelianus is quite showy isn’t he? There were hints at larger events and things going on, the Crimson Hand, betraying the Ixians, generally getting into skulduggery. In that sense you pained a nice background for everyone’s favourite sinner.

The only thing I might suggest is getting some ways of describing him that don’t include smoking or drinking, although the rather subtle way he put his drink on the floor was a nice touch.

Overall
This was kinda like a ‘slice of villainy’ thread. If that had been at the start of a longer thread it probably would have been a bit painful for the reader, on its own its almost like ‘Meanwhile at the temple of doom hedquarters!’

For what it was, four out of five Doges.

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/281/3/4/doge_by_harlequinhues-d8212ta.png http://orig09.deviantart.net/6928/f/2015/092/4/2/grey_doge_icon_by_harlequinhues-d8o2jbz.png

(Note to self, get Hyst to make a grey doge icon)

[Philomel]

This thread will remain open until the end of the week for people to get their last minute commentaries in, then EXP will be sorted.

[Zook Murnig]

I'm just going to give you my notes from the read-through, divided up amongst the writers in question. They got a little sparser as I progressed in the thread, mostly because the original notes from the first posts remained relevant and I didn't want to repeat myself.

General-
What kind of bar is this? I'm getting varied accounts that it's just a generally rough bar, or a dark elves only establishment, or a wretched hive of scum and villainy. You guys should agree on things like this ahead of time to keep consistent, because so far I see you each going into separate bars and meeting the others at the same table.

Alydia-
Rule of Three- list things in groups of three if at all possible, as it's easier for a reader to keep track of three or less things, and keeping it up to three means that the significance is carried more than if you just listed one or two. With the associates as an example: Sintta, Lore, Paige, and the others. It doesn't help that there is no explanation as to who they are, and so listing off names just takes up space for nothing.
"gearing up" recurring; try mixing things up with your phrasing, choose where each one is best suited
formatting issue- technically it is correct to underline the title of a book, but in narration one should consider the medium you're using and how it will affect the page; italics are less jarring to the eye, and won't draw as much distraction from the rest of the page. I wouldn't dock anything for it, I'm just saying it would make for a more pleasant "mouth-feel," if you get what I mean. Eye-feel?

Marduk-
Just as a note- "ebony skin" doesn't specifically define dark elves. It differentiates them from their other elven cousins, but there are other peoples capable of having dark skin tones, quite possibly most fantasy races as well as humans. Be careful when defining racial characteristics so singularly, as it can get confusing as well as borderline racist.
break up phrases within your narrative more clearly. commas and other punctuation are very useful in establishing the beginning and end of ideas, and the rules for their usage help quite a bit in their placement.
Repetitive references, calling your character "the man" several times in the beginning of the post, and all the patrons of the bar collectively as "the men." What kind of men? Are they all men? What kind of man is he? Use descriptors of height, appearance, personality, age, occupation, etc.
The sense I got of your character in the first post remains consistent, but in that consistency, there’s a lack of interest for me. He has a personality, but it comes across as one-dimensional. There’s no conflict, and he doesn’t seem to be surprised, worried, excited, happy, sad, or anything about anything. Characters feel ways about things, and a reader should be able to decipher those feelings from the narrative and dialogue.
“Not that he gave two shits.” As I said above, there’s no real depth to the character so far. The narrative points out his possible knowledge of things about the other characters, but immediately dismisses it as unimportant. Why bring it up, then, if he doesn’t care?

Requiem-
did you mean it "stank of booze and despair"? I can't pinpoint how to explain it, but smelling ignorance, while I recognize it's meant as a metaphor, just seems off. I'll chalk it up to ignorance being, specifically, a lack of knowledge, rather than an emotional or mental state of its own.
The little vignette at the beginning of your first post was pure fluff, padding for the post.
The second little piece of backstory in your first post also reads like padding, and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s also full of tautologies, such as “Samantha was still there, for she did not run.” Unless it’s incredibly relevant to how you ended up where the story begins, don’t give more than a little bit of backstory on “how we got here.” Hints within your narration are a good way to establish this without info dumps, and much of this wasn’t even information. The exact nature of the way Aerith and Samantha interacted was neither shown nor told, but given in vague snippets of past actions. Please avoid this in the future.
Please leave the explanations of other writer’s characters to those writers. As it is, it reads like you’re just listing things off, and giving a summary of your character’s past interactions with theirs. Again, hints where it’s relevant, references where they are possible and needed, and as little outright explanation as possible. Your reader should be able to infer from what you give them, and if they infer wrong, that just means that they can read past stories and still be surprised.
Be careful with simple mechanical errors. Reread your post before submitting, or reread after and edit. Reading aloud, as well, can help with this, because you’re paying closer attention to spelling and word order/choice when you read aloud.

Aure-
I enjoy when characters who are incredibly sure of themselves are outwitted in exactly the way they thought they had the upper hand. Hoist by their own petard, I believe is the saying. It keeps them human, and shows that no matter how skilled you are, you can still make a mistake. Well done.
Excellent cutaway. It can be hard to resist those instances when you can really cut loose with the action. It shows discretion and restraint to recognize when it’s not only unnecessary to the story, but in fact detrimental. Again, well done.
I’m going to have to read more of your work. It’s a real skill to be able to mention just enough of your background plotlines that your reader wants to find out what’s going on out of pure interest.

[Philomel]

This thread is now CLOSED.

Rewards will be calculated in due course.

[Philomel]

Workshop Commentary: Conference of Criminals
(http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29062-Workshop-Conference-of-Criminals&p=246894#post246894)
Rewards for commentary:

Flames of Hyperion (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?8570-Flames-of-Hyperion):
780 EXP
24 GP

Doge (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17393-Doge):
180 EXP
24 GP

Zook Murnig (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?1938-Zook-Murnig):
300 EXP
24 GP

All of this feedback was so good. Thank you to everyone who submitted.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Thank you again for all your feedback and commentary.

Do not forget that you can be eligible for a special Althanas Badge for contributing multiple times to the Workshops.

Please check the Althanas Badge Thread for more information and where to claim your reward.