Workshop: Uneathered [Tarot Heirarchy]

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Uneathered [Tarot Heirarchy] (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28361-Uneathered-Tarot-Heirarchy&p=243890#post243890)
Name of Authors: Ioder, Cards of Fate, Tobias Stalt
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 37 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 08/03/2014

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Philomel]

I am extending the deadline for this for another TWO WEEKS until the 22nd March as no one has yet commented. Please do so for some easy EXP. Long detailed ones give double EXP!

[Rayleigh]

First, let me say that this thread was a lot of fun to read. While the story was not overly complex, it was well thought-out, and easy to follow. I do have many suggestions for you, but please know that this was still a fun ride. Most of my comments here are referring to both of you, though I may use examples from one particular writer.

I'd like to start off with a few notes on your mechanics. This thread was written a long time ago, and both of you have improved greatly since then. Still, I feel these suggestions are worth making, as they are something we can all keep in mind while we write.

First, both of you fell victim to the long, clumsy sentence. I'm going to stress this through-out this entire write-up, but I encourage you to re-read each and every word that you write. Read it out loud to yourself. If you feel like you're rambling, or you're having trouble getting through the sentence without rushing or running out of breath, what you've written should probably be split up. For example, check out this sentence from your first post:


She was a little strange but she was the all-seeing Leona of The Tarot her word was as trust worthy as written law.

Read that to yourself. Do you see where it is a bit too long? Try breaking it up with punctuation. There are a few things you could do there, but I would probably use a semicolon between "Tarot" and "her."

The next thing that stuck out to me was changing tenses. I won't pick out specific examples here, as it happened quite a bit. Just be sure to pay attention to that! If you're planning to stick in past tense, be sure to be consistent.

Capitalization was an area where you were a bit inconsistent as well. I know that you both know what words need to be capitalized, and for the most part, you did a nice job. But there were still enough slip-ups that I caught myself re-reading for clarification. This is something that you could catch if you took some time to proof-read before you made your post, or before you submitted for judgement.

This goes for both of you, but I noticed Ioder was especially guilty of using the word "said." Said is not a bad word, and it isn't off-limits in any way, but it is very bland. It does not reveal how the character is feeling, or add any sort of personalization to the words being spoken. There are some wonderful guides to help you synonyms for said, so try giving google a visit as you write your next posts. Also, just as a reminder, you do not need to include some variation of said after every single quote. Cards, I've already mentioned this to you. Ioder, if you need more explanation on this, feel free to message me.

Another thing to keep in mind involves your paragraphs. Whenever a new speaker is taking over, you need to create a new paragraph. I know that feels a bit strange, and it often results in many tiny paragraphs, it really helps the reader know who is doing the talking.

Your thread also had a lot of spelling errors. In post two, you used "the" instead of "then," and "out" instead of "our." These are super easy mistakes to make, but you should catch them when you are doing your proof-reading. On that same note, a few of your words were used incorrectly, such as "calamity" in post seven. Be sure to double check the meanings of your word, or else you might change the whole tone of your writing!

Woo. All the boring mechanics are out of the way. Let's get to the good stuff.

I wanted to start with the present-tense comments at the end of your posts, Ioder. I think that, if used sparingly, these are super cool. But you use them a lot, and then just stop after about a page. While I love what you were trying to do with them, remember that less is more sometimes.

In posts three through six, you introduce us to the very interesting Simone. She was a cool character, but you spend a lot of time describing her, only to completely ignore her. If you're going to put so much time into describing a character, make sure that he/she does something important for your story. She could have been used in a bit of foreshadowing, or made an appearance at the end of your thread. You left me wondering where she went, and if I missed something. Help the reader understand why your NPC is so important!

Ioder, this suggestion is mainly for you, but Cards can use it too. If you are going to reference your character's goals, as you did in post five, make sure that the reader knows what those are! A sentence or two expanding on this idea is all that you need. You can't expect your reader to search for your profile to answer this question for themselves. Make it clear, especially if these goals are motivating his decisions. You start to elaborate in post nine, but I still did not feel like it was especially clear.

Cards, you do a really nice job explaining Vincent's violent reaction to the dead bodies in post ten. But I felt his recovery was a bit sudden, as he was sifting through the dead bodies looking for clues in the same post. If you're going to have your character experience such emotion (and I think you should, because it made sense with his character), make sure you are consistent!

Ioder, this is a very small detail, but I wish you would have elaborated a tiny bit on your character's ability to glow. You did a nice job describing the action in post thirteen, but I did not even realize that glowing was one of his abilities. I was completely lost, trying to figure out if he was emitting some sort of force-field, or warming the room. I actually just gave another writer this same suggestion, so this is a common problem. When you get to know your character so well, you forget that your reader is sometimes completely unfamiliar. It can be difficult to remember to keep your reader in the loop.

Description is an area where I still think you are both lacking. You had so many fantastic opportunities to write some fantastic imagery! For example, in posts seventeen and eighteen, you could have spent a lot of time describing Vincent's being injured to the reader. I know it was Ioder's post, so the timing wasn't perfect, but that whole bit seemed so sudden. Of course, this is not to say that you did not describe anything at all. Ioder, I mentioned above that I liked your bit about glowing. Cards, I am totally digging this line:


Blonde hair disheveled from running his hands through it, eyes bloodshot from straining to read in the candlelight, lips twisted upward in an almost manic glee.

Its so good, and so Vincent! But remember to keep helping your reader visualize what is going on through rich description.

On the matter of dialogue, I saw a lot of really good things. There were a few times, however, when I thought the words being spoken were a bit funky. For example, would a rough-and-tough bandit say that he felt "feint" (post eighteen)? He'd probably drop a few f-bombs and maybe comment on how he doesn't "feel too good," but I don't think he would feel "feint." Speaking of f-bombs, I felt that Vincent's use of the word was a bit random. I might understand why he would use it in post twenty, when he was trying to seem big and tough. But for the most part, I think it would take a lot to get a scholar like Vincent cussing so much (of course, this has probably changed after his time with Tobias). You also have him say "fuggin" in a later post. Why would a character who can so easily say "fuck" resort back to "fuggin?" Just something to consider!

I have to be honest with you both. The whole end of your thread seemed incredibly out of character to me. Ioder killing the initial bandit was so sudden that I actually had to re-read. I was hoping I could find more about his thought-process, or some slow decent into madness, but I found neither. I was floored when he killed all of the bandits later, and even thought about how much fun it was going to be. Sometimes, Ioder reminds me a lot of Castiel from Supernatural. He comes across as the detached, god-serving instrument of righteousness and destruction. But other times, you write him as a sensitive, caring guy. I love character development and mood swings as much as the next person (believe me, I'm a woman, I get mood swings), but the changes between these two settings are so sudden; it was hard for me to keep up in this thread. It might help if you sit down and really think about how you want others to perceive Ioder.

I was also really startled when Vincent insisted that the bandits had to be punished in post twenty four. He was so sickened by the sight of the dead bodies, but he was willing to kill others so easily later that same day? I know there was the revenge element there, but it was jarring for me.

Finally, the end of your story was very chaotic! That is not a bad thing, of course. In fact, it was a lot of fun to read. My only suggestion would be to incorporate a bit more of the other's story in your own post. For example, Ioder is mowing down bandits like they're blades of grass. Maybe you could include Vincent's reaction to the sight of it? Or how he feels when he hears the screams? Tobi, that goes for you too. Unless these two events are taking place miles apart, I'd like to see some mention of the other characters involved.

Again, your story was a lot of fun to read! All of these suggestions are just things that came to me as I was reading. The story-related comments especially are personal preference. Do with my critique what you will! I know that you have both come a long way since this thread, and it has been a lot of fun reading your work.

If you have any questions, you know where to find me!

[Philomel]

Thank you Raleigh for commenting.
I sneakily left this open a bit longer to see if there would be any more commentary, but now this thread is CLOSED!

Rewards will be calculated posthaste.

[Philomel]

Workshop Thread Commentary Rewards:
Workshop: (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?28840-Workshop-Uneathered-Tarot-Heirarchy&p=246461#post246461) Unearthed [Tarot Heirarchy]

Rewards:
Rayleigh (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17734-Rayleigh) receives:

740 EXP
74 GP

[Hysteria]

GP & XP added.