Meeting someone that might understand. (Closed)

[The_Duke]

Soaring high threw the snowy sky a falcon is barley visible threw the cloud coverage blanketing the top of the mountains. Snow flakes fall from the heavens and dance down to ground below riding on the swirling winds. Swooping down breaking the cloud layer the bird of prey now glides in across the sky and out of sight behind the mountains. A glimmer of crimson light pierces the sky void of color, moments later still difficult to see but the crimson light becomes an outline of an angle. Without warning the light figure dives to the earth below and disappears behind a coverage of snow covered trees.

"I believe this is the area." Duke says to himself as he lands in the layers of fluffy snow. His glowing red wings brush at the ground and quickly disappear in a flash and he is standing in a small opening between a few trees. "Where is that demon?" he thinks as his eyes scan the area for any traces of it.

[Elizabeth]

Stands on one of the cliffs, over looking the beautiful snow cover forest and mountains. The wind taking her hair in its cold embrace, kissing the sides of her face in the softest way. She smiled slightly as she smelled the clean air. She buried her bare feet into the snow, loving the way that the cold snow melted onto her warm feet. She laid back.Her hair over the cliff allowing the wind to take it fully. Her hair like dancing flames in the wind. For the first time in years she smiled full heartedly. Happiness filled her burning snow. The flakes that landed on her face melted, feeling almost like an angle was crying for her.

No one would cry for me... I don't deserve it.. But its nice to think that someone up there is thinking of me...

For a slight second she thought she saw red wings in the sky, almost like an angle was watching over her.
No... I'm just seeing things, there isn't an angle up there... hhmm... Must be the hunger...well... maybe I should go check it out... ill just go the way it did...

Standing she started walking, almost skipping. For once in her life she felt complete peace. Turning the bend she saw it. The big red wings where the first thing that she noticed.
Hmmm... maybe I should go say hi... he doesn't smell human and by the wings he isn't human...

Walking up to him slowly she smiled big, almost like a little girl
Hi.. Are you an angle?
Then his wings vanished, and she suddenly wish she would have held her tongue.

[The_Duke]

Making a full 180 degree rotation to the petite voice speaking out to him "Are you an angle?" His eyes fixating on the girl walking up to him with a slight look of terror on her face as she had wished she could have bitten her tongue and stayed quite. "Who are you?" His voice carries a lot of pressure as it almost weighs heavily on her shoulders. Duke always is hesitant when he is greeted by a human in the wilderness armed with weaponry, he releases his blade from its sheath attached to his hip and draws it about an inch just barley revealing his metal.

"I am here to hunt down the demon in this woods." he says as he notices the snow melt as it hits her skin. " A fire demon" he meets her eyes with his "In fact" accusing her. Duke takes a few steps towards her, with each step he draws his blade farther out until all seven feet is unsheathed and dragging the ground.

[Elizabeth]

She backed away slowly, being on the defensive.
I am half demon! But I am not a bad person or a threat. I've lived here for almost a year and I haven't harmed anyone!... I might have scared a few humans away but I didn't hurt anyone! I Swear!
Slowly allowing her hands to catch fire she drew her bow and un sheathed an arrow, Her hair glowing in the wind. Aiming it at him she cried out.
Please leave me alone! I don't want to hurt you!!!
Her eyes glowing like fire, she begged and pleaded for him to leave her be. As she backed away she screamed at him in disappointment
YOUR JUST LIKE EVEYONE ELSE!!! JUDGING ME!!! YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!!!! YOU JUST ASSUME, OH LOOK A DEMON! SHES EVIL!! LETS KILL IT!!!! UGH!!!!
Letting go, she let her arrow fly, and within the instant she shot another, then another as she made her retreat.

[The_Duke]

As Duke draws nearer to the girl she begins spouting of condescending remarks as she shuffled backwards and armed her self with her bow off her back. "She has been hunted before..." he thinks to himself, his blade splitting the snow behind him. She aimed her bow and fired three arrows at him in secession in a matter of second all arrows are soaring threw the air towards Duke.

In the few seconds that Duke had to think before he would be struck, he had formulized a course of action to defeat this enemy with minimal wasted effort. With the arrows near impact Duke raises his had in the direction of the incoming projectiles and the moment the reached about 5 feet before his hand a flash of red light disturbs the speed of the arrows making them slower. Seeing his shield effective to distort the arrows he took one step back avoiding the first of the arrows and swipes his long blade slashing the other arrow in two pieces.

Now in a full sprint he aims to take one blow to kill this demon, the tip of his seven foot long katana still dragging threw the snow behind him. "Demon! You plague this world and threaten to bring pain to it, for that I must destroy you!" he yells and his voice could bring cold shivers even to big man, much less a petite looking girl. Maneuvering his sword now in front of him aimed to impale her threw the heart.

[Elizabeth]

As she went to side step she realized that not far behind here there was a small goat behind her.
OH NO! I cant let him be hurt!
At that moment she had to decide, her injury... or that poor animal. Deciding to not be selfish she stepped out, watching the blade pass her chest. In the instant she grabbed hold of the blade. Her hands being cut deeply, blood pouring onto the snowy ground. Turning the white wonderland into a crimson covered battle field.

The pain ran deep but she didn't dare let go. Her hands catching fire she screamed out.
Stop your going to hurt the animal!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
At last the blade stopped in her hands, dropping to the ground she threw her bloody hands into the snow. Trying to numb the pain. Tears welling in her eyes.

She turned and looked at the animal. She howled a fearfull howl, scaring the animal away and warning any other animals not to come near, allowing herself to be the only being hurt.
Please leave the beings in this forest alone.... if I give my self over promise you'll leave everything one and thing alone.... I've lived here for almost a year... and I have had no trouble... why should I cause them any problems...

[The_Duke]

Duke's jaw dropped as he witnessed her stay his blade in order to protect a beautiful creature of nature that other wise might have been killed. His mind clouded by the rumor of a demon and their brutal reputation, that he couldn't see that she has a pure heart with nothing be good intention for the beauty around her. Her hand covered in a riotous fire, the snow melting above it and seemingly disappearing into steam. Blood still dripping from her cuts, yet she held strong.

Finally she let go of his sword, and dropped to burry he hands in the snow to try to clean her cuts. "You would risk your injury to protect this world's creatures? Even your life if needed?" Duke says as he sheathes his sword without cleaning it. "I couldn't see past your demon, to see you angle. I shall not continue this fight, you are not a plague or a disease, you a gift." he says as he offers her his hand as a crutch to get up fully understanding if she would refuse.

"If you truly wish the best for this world, like I saw just now, seek me out. Either for power or purpose I would expect to see you again." Duke says as he turns his back to her.

[Elizabeth]

Taking his arm to get up, she let her bloody hands drip. She steadied herself and locked eyes with him.
Just because this world has been cruel to me, doesn't mean that I should turn my back on them. They need help. If not from me, then who? Who else understands that every person is born good. They can return to being a good person... They just need a little push.
She sighed heavily
Where will I meet you?....
Her smile as big as she could make it, being in the pain she way in.

[The_Duke]

Taking a few moments to rethink the words that he had spoken earlier, he debates to himself weather he should continue."Is she worth trusting, she seems rather skilled but without any real control over her fires. he ponders over in his head "This might be a terrible idea, or she could be the one who helps me usher a new era of peace, I will have to consult with the spirits.his face turned to the girl is now completely calm as he reached his decision.

Still turned to her "If you can travel across these lands, and reach me in the ruins of the long fallen Shikos temple. Waiting for you there will be a stone tablet, read it to learn of my cause. I will be there ready for you to commit yourself to the preservation of the world." his voice trails off. After a silent pause a flash of red light blinds the girl momentarily and Duke once again has seemingly grown red shining wings. His wings fully extend and with one quick flapping motion he is launched into the air. As he begins to rapidly fly higher he speaks out one last time " Make your way to the outlands there you will find others making the journey to meet me. You will start there, I am looking forward to seeing you again." his voice disappears as he breaks through the clouds and is gone.

[Elizabeth]

Shouting into the sky
My names Fliseti!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll see you there!!!!!!
She smiled and started walking. Her feet moving through the snow with the sweet sound of crunching ice. Her mind reeling with what she would fine, what would they do and could she really make a difference... She turned as she set out of the forest, Looking at the forest. The place that had been her home, the place she felt safe. Now as she turned to leave, a heavy heart weighed her down. Speaking to herself she sighed
I will be back. I have to do this for the greater good. I owe it to the world. If not me, then who?
Taking it one step at a time she walked, the snow under her feet turned to dirt, then to mud as the rain came.

Days passed and all she could think about was the man clad in red and silver armor.. He was so mysterious.... But so the road ahead. In that thought was excitement.
Ill finally make my master happy!!! I can do this!!!!
Her voice echoed into the distance, with that she smiled big and took off, almost running with all her extra energy..... All that was left behind her was footprints....

[Amber Eyes]

Thread Title: Meeting someone who might understand. (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26795-Meeting-someone-that-might-understand-(Closed))

Judgment Type: Full Rubric

Participants: The Duke vs Elizabeth



Plot: 14 --- 14

Story- 5/10---4/10

A man is searching for a fire demon who is believed to be dangerous. When he does find her he sees that there is more to her than he previously believed.

Duke gave himself the edge here by explaining why he was there, and by tying it to any future threads by asking Fliseti to find him. The story was simple, and it made sense, but there was little to go on here.

Setting- 4/10---5/10

Both of you attempted to bring the setting in to play, but Elizabeth used it to her advantage more than Duke. The snowflakes that melted on her face, the cold on her feet, the wind. All of these things interacted with the character and helped bring this score up. To get a higher score here focus on all the senses. Taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing. Did the wind whistle through the trees? Did the sunlight reflect off the white snow? Ask yourself these types of questions while writing.

Pacing- 5/10---5/10

The thread was a quick read and overall the flow was there. Mechanics hurt this score a bit, as did the changes in tense. I’ll give more feedback on those things in the other categories. Neither of you outshined the other in this area.



Character: 14 --- 13

Communication- 5/10---4/10

The dialogue flowed well from both characters. At times it was a bit cliche, but it fit the story and the characters. You both did well enough here, but keep in mind that you can raise this score by using more internal dialogue or by using descriptive words. Explaining that Duke rushed his words as he realized his mistake or that he paused to consider her speech is just as important as the actual words he says. Duke did this in a couple areas which gave him the advantage in this category.

Action-5/10---5/10

The movements were clear throughout the thread and fit your characters. Keep in mind that people rarely stand still. As a habit we shift our weight or scratch our noses or cross and uncross our arms. There should very rarely be a time when all is still.

Persona- 4/10---4/10

Both characters are new, and sometimes with new characters you have to really figure out who they are. Duke noted that Elizabeth had been hunted before. Was he afraid that she would out maneuver him? Did Duke search her out for profit or glory or was his own moral compass his guide? When she protected the animal, what emotions went through his head? Elizabeth- How did she feel when she was found? Did she shake in fear or have thoughts of sadness that she would have to leave her home? Does she long to be with the people who don’t understand her?



Prose: 12 --- 12

Mechanics- 4/10---3/10

Mechanics is the main area that really need attention. This can hurt your pacing, clarity and technique scores. The first thing that I noticed we the tense changes. Writing in third person present is hard. Keep in mind that only if you are speaking of the past is it okay to switch tenses in a thread. Figuring out your tenses will also help with run on sentences which was another area that hurt you here. If you switch tense mid-sentence you have a runon. An example is this- “She buried her bare feet into the snow, loving the way that the cold snow melted onto her warm feet.” To correct the sentence you should separate the two thoughts. She buried her bare feet into the snow. She loved the way the cold snow melted on her warm feet.

Another thing you both struggled with was homophones and some other spelling problems. Throughout the thread you both used angle instead of angel. Threw instead of through. He instead of she. Keep in mind that spell checkers won’t catch these issues since the word is spelled correctly, its just the wrong word.

Duke switched tenses less often and did better with his homophones, giving him an edge here.

Clarity- 4/10---4/10

Mechanics kept this score from being higher, but overall it wasn’t difficult to understand what was going on at all times. You both wrote clearly, though I would suggest trying past tense, as it is much easier to follow.

Technique- 4/10---5/10

I don’t see present tense much on Althanas and I can say from my own experience it isn’t easy to write. To see this score improve try some literary techniques. I saw Elizabeth use simile when discussing the snow and again when explaining her smile.



Wildcard: 5 --- 5

For two beginners the story was good. I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing what the future holds for Duke and Elizabeth.



Final Score: 45---44

The Duke (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17344-The_Duke) Wins!:



500 EXP!

55 GP!



Congratulations!


Elizabeth (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?17321-Elizabeth) Receives:



150 EXP!

50 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!