League A (Interdivision): Zack Blaze v. Amber Eyes

[Max Dirks]

Battle at your leisure folks. This thread must be completed by January 9th, 2014 at 12:00 AM EST. If you finish early, please submit it for judging per usual.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack blaze stood on the padded white floor of the ring. His back rested against the red, white, and blue ring ropes as the youth tried to pop his back. He wrapped his arms against the elastic rubber ropes and pulled against the pressure the object provided. He stretched in the same fashion with the other arm, his body shuddering with anticipation at the idea of a rematch with Kyla Orlouge.

During the war between the Ixian Knights and Phoenix Ascendant for Corone’s soul, Kyla Orlouge had managed to kill Zack without so much as a second thought. Of course, the girl seemed to have more on her plate than some inexperienced street fighter between the walking venereal disease, the walking angel-vampire contradiction, and the ‘do gooders’ of the Ascendant doing more harm than good to the village they were in.

Now, Zack had found that the Mystic girl was to be his final opponent in the Althanas League. The boy had his share of useless opponents. He knew in his heart, however, that Kyla Orlouge would provide him with the challenge he had so sought since starting this fight club. The boy had even come prepared for worst the young lady would have to offer. Around the boys neck hung a pair of earphones, spikes protruding out of each end as if to just show off the accessory. At the top of his head rested a headband with some weird insignias on it, and the word ‘Soul’ sewn across the material.

He unfurled his arm from the ropes and made his way to one of the black turnbuckles, climbing to the top of the corner, the boy raised his arms in victory to an imaginary crowd. The gymnasium was empty and dusty, save for this one wrestling ring that stood in the middle of the abandoned building. It was a simple arena, but Zack had become fed up with fighting people who used underhanded tactics or simply did not wish to fight. This was going to be a fight whether Kyla Orlouge liked it or not.

And probably Zack’s most horrific beat down whether –he- liked it or not.

[Amber Eyes]

Thus far the leagues had been full of realizations for the Mystic. It seemed that each opponent was younger than the last and quite honestly Kyla was beginning to feel old.

As she made her way towards the fifth and final battle in the round guided by two robed men who kept their eyes focused straight forward and their mouths tightly closed, Kyla wondered if the way she felt matched the way the older warriors she faced as a teen had felt. Letho Ravenheart, Godhand Striker, Terric Bloodrose, even Sei Orlouge, had they too felt the pressure to pass the proverbial torch so early in their careers, far before they were ready?

All those great warriors, looking into the snot-nosed faces of the future and wondering if once they handed that flame away they would fade helplessly into the shadows, was that the life of an aging fighter? This tournament was filled with children playing children's games, not one true test of strength had been found. Was this the future? Warriors playing hide and seek and dice games?

As she reached the simple wooden door Kyla swore it would not be so. The new generation may stand with their hands outstretched, but the mystic was far from old, and she was holding onto the torch until she was damn well done with it. She reached out for the doorknob and gave it a turn, glimpsing the scene that waited for her there.

The boy wasn't much older than Akiv, bouncing around in some attempt at a warm up, as though he had any idea what waited for him in the battle ahead. Draped around his neck were earmuffs covered in spikes and his head was adorned with some attempt at a headband. The mystic used every inch of her willpower to avoid turning on the spot and forever leaving the leagues rather than face another half-grown twit.

She made her way toward the ring, her eyes settling anywhere but on the face of the teen the monks wanted to watch her murder. She slid in gracefully, the canvas freshly washed though not much else appeared to be. When she stood, Kyla met the boys eyes for the first time, something was familiar about him.

"Do I..." She began before shaking her head. Did it really matter if she had met the child before? "I'll tell you what, I'm just ready to get this whole thing over with, the first hit is free." The mystic held her hands out to the side, hoping that the kid had the sense to take the chance to get at least one shot in.

[Zack Blaze]

Arrogant bitch, Zack thought in his mind, but was far too smart to say out loud. The street fighter balled his hands into fists, preparing to throw a hard hitting punch smack dab into the Mystic’s jaw. Zack had thought he was ready for the girl not recognizing him, but when she had questioned him on it, a rage blew up in him like a subtle fire that had just been fed tinder. She kills me with that ridiculously tacky glass magic and then she has the nerve to---

Zack froze when the thought reached his mind. All Mystics possessed the ability to instantly counter attack with glass shards when assaulted. It was not something the boy had learned in school but in life experience. If he had struck the older woman, he would have once again felt his face sting with the shrapnel of her magic. Unlike his other opponent’s, Zack had the advantage of knowledge over Kyla. It was something that his mind was quickly making good use of.

Instead of landing a hit, Zack gently placed a hand upon the shoulder of the girl. He closed his eyes and smiled, shrugging his shoulders as if he were throwing a heavy weight off of them. “Striking a lady first really isn’t my thing, you know? However, sending tingles through their bodies? That’s my trademark.”

He opened his eyes and allowed the electricity cackle into his palm. Hopefully, his deduction about the way their glass shields worked was correct, and he would send the lightning equivalent of a taser straight through the girl’s body. He used his free hand to scratch the back of his head, putting on a farce of innocence the whole time. “I mean, I’ve always heard my touch is quite shocking.”

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla had promised a free shot, but the kid had other ideas. His hand hit her shoulder and the mystic hit her knees. A pulse of electricity shot through her, but as soon as it was there it was gone. She had offered him a hit, and the little twat had taken a cheap shot like electrocuting her? The hairs on her arm stood at attention, the only proof of the intense pain she felt seconds ago. Her heart raced, but the rest of her felt drained, empty after the electricity left her bones. She stayed low for a moment, trying to process what exactly occurred, then fury filled all the places the shock had left empty.

"So that's how you want to play it, huh?" Kyla's voice was a whisper, the words a place to put her anger rather than an attempt at communication. Her eyes focused on her opponents red shoes, willing them to burst into flames and kill the worthless brat. She made a mental note to look up the demon guy from the cell to learn how before returning her focus to the battle.

She stayed stone still until the boy began to retract his hand, probably questioning her non-reaction. In one swift movement Kyla brought her arm upwards between his legs, taking her own cheap shot. A howl filled the room and Kyla used it as fuel, pushing forward with all her might, slamming her shoulder into the teen's midsection and pushing him backward against the ring.

[Zack Blaze]

He bounced off of the ropes with intense force. Normally, Zack Blaze would use this opportunity to reverse his fortunes and place Kyla Orlouge on her back one way or another. In this instance, however, Zack was far too busy thinking about the throbbing pain in his genitals to even focus on such a thing. He bit his lower lip, his eyes trying to keep the tears at bay and his mouth attempting the same with his vomit. It was all he could do to not keel over and ralf all over the ring in a fetal position.

Now I know how Makai feels. Zack’s mind was too busy trying to find ways to alleviate his pain rather than find ways to counter attack. His body slowed and then stopped, Kyla’s form on the other end of the arena now. Zack took a few calm breaths and wiped away what tears managed to escape. Okay then. Distance. This is good, I have the advantage at a distance.

“See how you like this!” Zack exclaimed, throwing his hands across the ground as if he had thrown two underhanded balls towards the girl. As his arms raised, two flames appeared in the ring, pursuing Kyla’s form like dual sharks hungry for blood. Zack hoped the fires would weaken the powerful Mystic, and leave him at a distinct advantage.

After all, she’d –have- to use some of her magic to get out of this situation, right?

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla watched the boy wipe away his tears. His face was filled with pain and determination, a look Kyla knew all too well. It was a cheap shot and she knew it, but the little brat had it coming. All these kids needed to know what it was like to have your ass kicked a time or two. Thayne's know she had fallen time and time again on a greater warriors blade. She raced towards him, jumping over whatever the little fins on the ground were. She had no intention of using her powers for this battle, she wanted to humiliate the kid. Throughout this whole tournament she had played nice, given in to the silly ideas of her opponents, but this blonde-haired kid was about the feel all the rage she'd held in thus far.

She left the mat, flying through the air in his direction, aiming a fist right at his jawline. Kyla hit him full force, both their bodies falling to the ground hard, she lifted one fist, bringing it down hard against his face. The other was close behind, hitting him four times in total and covering her knuckles with blood. He struggled beneath her, pushing her off of him and to the side where she pounced back to her feet just as he reached his own again.

[Zack Blaze]

He could feel the blood trickling down his nose, but he did not care. Zack’s breaths became more labored as he gained his bearings. Kyla Orlouge hit like a runaway carriage, and Zack had to thank his lucky stars that his body had been conditioned to suffer such a brutal beatdown. As he looked to the Mystic girl, he felt nothing but contempt for her. He had expected a showcase of each of their respective abilities and instead got his ass handed to him. He growled as he spit on the ground, his body disappearing in an instant.

He reappeared beside Kyla, crouched on the ground, and came towards the girl’s chin with an uppercut. He put all of his force behind the blow, and it sent the Mystic flying out of the ring and onto the gym’s dusty floor. A cloud of dirt kicked up as Kyla landed on her feet, Zack running and jumping on the top rope of the ring. He used his weight to bounce off of the ropes and attempt a dropkick on the girl.

If she wanted to play with a Blaze, Zack would show her just how hot he could get.

[Amber Eyes]

His weight felt like a ton of bricks as he landed upon her, knocking her once again to the floor. Kyla's blood boiled and the pain was but an afterthought as blind fury pushed her onward. She shoved the teens weight from her, sending him rolling onto his back with a groan. The mystic pushed herself to her feet, blood dripping from her arms where scrapes had formed upon contact with the cement. Her lip also bled, leaving a blue streak upon her chin.

She stumbled slightly as she reached her feet, noting Zack attempting to push himself up a bit slower than the last time. A million words ran through her mind, but Kyla stayed silent. This was not a time for silly quips or parlor tricks, she just wanted the make sure this little boy would never forget her face. She tackled him just as he seemed to find his footing, and a smile met her lips as she heard the tell-tale sound of the back of his head hitting the ground.

The mystic crawled over his form, once again striking his face with her fists, again and again, releasing all the energy she had inside, using it to destroy. Suddenly the fight left her. Kyla looked down at the teen, his soft features more child than man. Her eyes widened as she saw the blue and red blood mingled together on the stone floor, proof that she had completely lost control.

What would Sei think? If he saw his daughter beating a snot nosed kid for something as simple as a shock? What was happening to her? Where did this anger come from? Kyla stood, her hands beginning to shake with fear instead of rage. She mumbled something under her breath, turning her back on the child and heading for the door. Perhaps it was time to pass the torch after all, perhaps she wasn't cut out for good-natured combat anymore.

[Zack Blaze]

As soon as his head hit the hard cement ground, Zack heard the sickening crack of his skull. His vision instantly became blurry, and matted with droplets of blue and red once Kyla began assaulting him once more. He could taste copper, and every couple of seconds, his sights would find nothing but blackness. It felt as though the entire world was spinning around him, and all he could do was cough in response. A pool of purple blood started forming below him, a mixture of Mystic and human creating a beautiful tarp to lay Zack’s corpse upon.

Then, something strange happened. Kyla stopped.

She stood up and began to walk off, Zack lifting his head to watch the girl walk away. He coughed violently, a rain of crimson falling to the floor from out of his mouth. “That’s…. what I thought!” he managed to shout at the girl, who paused in her tracks, “You better give up, Orlouge! I’m not one to be trifled wi—“

Zack’s face instantly met Kyla’s boot and the boy’s head once more hit the cement. This time, when he entered a world of darkness, he did not wake back up. He couldn’t tell if it was from his external or internal bleeding, all he could remember was the Mystic girl’s parting words.

“You’re still a little twat…”

[Lye]

Thread Title: League A (Interdivision): Zack Blaze v. Amber Eyes (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?26286)
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Zack Blaze vs Amber Eyes



Plot: 16 --- 16

Story- 4/10---5/10
Both characters made a decent stab at story. Zack set the field with the backstory of meeting Kyla and that was near the end of what was mentioned throughout. Kyla had a continual theme of the next generation that came full circle. This didn't really match with her actions however, as the rage induced retaliation contrasted her concern for the children of the future. This could have worked to an advantage if the retaliation was attributed to teaching the unruly discipline.

Setting- 6/10---5/10
Both players used the environment in their threads. Zack earned the upper hand by using the ring to his advantage on several attacks. This was less apparent in Amber's writing. Some mention of strategic goals or tactical use of the setting would have helped take the upper hand. There was also a mention of concrete, but it was unclear if the fight was taken out of the ring or not.

Pacing- 6/10---6/10
The battle flowed quickly and was intense. This worked well for both characters. The conflict did seem short due to Kyla's overpowering strength. This made it hard to play out to the ten post minimum, but a little more in the realm of tactics and dramatic struggle could have pulled this out a little more. Some usage of known player information and the conveyance to the reader caused some issues in flow. The mention of Kyla using magic was one example, when no mention of her magic had been made thus far, aside from the glass shield.



Character: 17.5 --- 15

Communication- 6/10---5/10
Zack offered the reader a witty line here and there which added to his appeal as a character. Minor added thoughts were also an attributing factor. During the grappling this disappeared, even during some scenes where there was distance to close between fighters. Kyla only spoke near the beginning and offered very little inner monologue. Most of the lack for speech was compensated for in descriptions of body language and indirect thoughts. A few opportunities for Kyla to speak out against Zack would have brought her to par or exceed Zack.

Action-6/10---5/10
Action felt realistic to the fringe of unbelievable. The continual pounding of Zack's face was brutal and it was a shock that he not only took it with little flailing or resistance, but he remained mostly cognitive throughout. Later on, he began to show the symptoms of his losing battle. His win, however, was in the usage of the setting and his tactical approach to handling Kyla. He ran over the strategy of her magic shield, and delivered a contact blow to avoid triggering it. He also used the elasticity of the ring ropes to add to his abilities. Taking distance to combat her strength was another good ploy. Kyla was very straight forward, which proved effective, but lacked the finesse Zack displayed in his struggle to win.

Persona- 5.5/10---5/10
Zack's witty, wry, and arrogant personality comes out on top. It stayed true throughout the thread. Kyla started off with the reader seeing her as a strong yet compassionate character. Her concern for fighting against the young was apparent. This was abandoned through he middle of the thread, but luckily was touched upon in the end. Some mention of her concern in beating down Zack, or her reasoning for not using magic would have helped the reader relate to her.



Prose: 14.5 --- 15

Mechanics- 6.5/10---6/10
Both players held issues in comma usage. There were some capitalization issues with the word "Mystic". In Amber's first post, there was a massive run on in the second paragraph. The fifth paragraph also lead with a confusing sentence which could have been broken down. The run on and slightly increased comma error lead to a slight lead for Zack.

Clarity- 3/10---3/10
Understanding that competitive RP usually has open ended hits, the thread started with taunts and reactions then directly to blows. There was little evading and some of the player's actions crossed over into the opponent's posts. This didn't harm the flow of the writing once the idea of competitive RP was thrown out the window, but it can confuse someone expecting the usual. Either a leading or closing tag to indicate player collaboration or bunny approval would have helped the reader understand the reasoning for the auto-hits. Auto hits also drop some of the suspense factor in a competitive setting. Keep this in mind.

Technique- 5/10---6/10
Amber has a very engaging writing style. The usage of inner thought as a passive entity and combining it with the rest of the body creates a seamless reading experience. The reader begins to see the story as all about her character and not in observation. Usage of thought in separate italics or quotes is certainly more clear, but it can create an interrupt to the flow of the story. Amber also used a more colorful vocabulary. Be careful in the usage of the word, "something" as this greatly detracts from the presentation of the information which follows. If a boy has something familiar about him, dive into it. His eyes were familiar, his hair, his voice or anything that is more finite delivers better than "something".



Wildcard: 0 --- 0

Wildcard has been removed for the purpose of bunnying. No indication was made to collaboration and the thread's auto-hits detracted from the read. The expectation is a competitive battle with open ended hits and looking forward to how the other player will react. Working together to write and intense fight scene is still acceptable, but the delivery of it should still be suspenseful. Another way to avoid losing points for bunnying is an indication at the beginning, end, per post, or even in the judgment comments. Preferably the beginning so that the reader is aware of the cross usage of characters. This is less important in quests as the flow of a story should not harbor on everyone identifying their exact actions in relation to the entire party, but should still make note to permitted usage. Keep this in mind for future threads.

This battle is technically 10 posts long, but the first post should not count. I will have Solar specify this in his league rules. If you are using alts in the next few leagues, please keep that in mind as well.

If any commentary is considered troublesome or unfair, feel free to PM me. If any specifics or elaboration are desired, I will be more than happy to assist.



Final Score: 48---46

Zack Blaze (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14972) Wins!:


2,750 EXP!
50 GP!

Congratulations!


Amber Eyes (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?14169) Receives:


825 EXP!
25 GP!